The Time Has Come

Lately, I have been coming home so weary that I find it quite difficult to even enjoy my evenings.  I know that the stress of losing a loved one has a lot to do with this.  The constant wave of emotions that sneak up on me, cloaking me in sadness one moment and then swinging to joyous revelations of just how lucky I have been in life to have known a person so marvelous are extremely draining and leave me feeling depleted of all energy.  I also realize that, like many of you, my job is more than demanding, oftentimes, by the completion of the day, having sucked all vitality from my being.  So as the days roll on and I am made more aware of just how expended my spirit becomes by the end of the day, I understand clearly there needs to be change.  Something has got to give.  I love my job.  I love the people I am surrounded by every day.  I must embrace the fact that taking care of myself more right now does not mean loving them any less.

This weekend as I sat pondering just how to do this, a clear vision of what I want for myself developed.  I love what I do and take great pride in the impact that I have on the future of our society.  It is a most important contribution and I realize the responsibility that comes with it is great. So as I sat in a reflective state, beginning to fully understand the goal forming in my mind, I struggled with how to balance the two worlds of their needs vs. mine.

I began to really analyze what I felt was happening and I believed I discovered how things might be altered.  I noticed that my day, like most, begins with the responsibilities of my job and then eases into my personal time just at the point in the day when my body just wants to give out.  I know I must alter my thinking and behaviors in order to achieve a greater balance.  My job is not my life.  As it stands now though, it does take the most invigorated, prestigious time of my day, if only because it holds the coveted spots of morning and afternoon.  I became increasingly cognoscente of the fact that I was losing my own time to pure exhaustion.

I’ve now decided to approach my day a little more differently.  I need to embrace the fact that my job is a job and should not demand the coveted position of center of my mind and spirit.  It will have to shift to something just outside of that coveted spot.  That spot is now being perfectly balanced for the “my best interests” moments of my day.  These moments are what must be made the central point of my life.  I think as we age, we begin to truly realize this.  I guess the fact that I am on the cusp of turning one year older has me reevaluating my priorities.  I’m finding I’m okay with that.  I may even be….possibly…..totally…..excited about changing my belief that morning is not necessarily the beginning of a “my” new day…..but…..afternoon might just have to take that title…..effective…..immediately!

 

Questionable Vacation

I know that Spring Break is supposed to be a carefree and glorious time; but to be honest, I’d barely made it out of the parking lot at work before I broke down into tears.  We have had an incredibly stressful time at work recently and the “come down” was inevitable.  Stress release is such a bizarre thing.  I didn’t expect to have this reaction, but I know why I did.

The freedom of time, with no restraints has always allowed me the privilege of talking with Mom whenever I wanted to, which is what I would always do at the onset of vacation.  We would chat about all sorts of things with no limitations.  It also allowed for the luxury of jumping on a plane to catch a quick visit back home, if desired.  At times, I chose to do that and at others I simply spent the time traveling to other places for relaxation.

At this point in time, I’m rethinking my decision to stay home.  My initial thought was that it would be good to just relax and allow myself the down time to decompress.  However, now I wish I had planned something to keep my mind otherwise occupied.  I feel certain that I will feel differently after a good night’s rest…but for now…my heart hurts and I long to talk with Mom about anything and everything.