The Sound

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The events of a year ago are flooding back in as if they’ve been out to sea for a while and have decided to return for a visit.  I remember very vividly hanging up the phone with Mom and being profoundly affected by the change in her voice.  The effects of her last radiation treatment had left her with slurred speech and this hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was the beginning of a loss so great it shatters one’s soul.  I remember crying at the thought of never again hearing the sound of my mother as I’d known it all of my life.  It devastated me and fueled me into an all out search for anything that had Mama’s voice on it.  I can remember replaying messages in hopes of rediscovering it.  One night, as I sat idle in my car under a blanket of foggy night sky, I called my brother and confessed my concern of never hearing my sweet Mama’s voice again and how selfish I felt for even wishing to.  I knew I should be focused on comforting and supporting her as opposed to fulfilling my own self-centered wishes.  I couldn’t help it though.  Just once I longed to hear the sound of her unaltered tone.

Somewhere in all the sadness and longing, I realized what the alternative would be and soon embraced a new hope that all would be okay and her eloquent dialogue would return.  My aunt reassured me that there was a good chance that the effects would lessen as time marched on.  The exhilaration of knowing this was almost too much to contain.  I called Mama at various times in the day to listen to the differences.  It was evident that morning was always a bit better and as fatigue set in; the evenings were more of a strain.  One morning in particular she was very clear and glimpses of her former quick witted tongue were evident.  I look back on that phone conversation in particular and realize it was just a few days later that I boarded the plane to return to her.  We are approaching that day now.  I know this is why I am faced with sleepless nights and an increasingly aching heart.

It’s always in hindsight that you realize you should embraced each moment as they come; because now, I wish I could hear anything associated with her, her laughter, her tears, her humor, and yes, even her slurred speech.  I would welcome any sound from her and hold tight to it with every ounce of my being knowing full well how precious each utterance is.

The most amazing thing is, right now in this very instance………I can hear my wind chimes ringing…..and you better believe I’m going to embrace it wholeheartedly!

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One Word

imagine

There are some things that just don’t make any sense to me.  I understand how music, or memories, or objects can trigger a moment of sorrow.  However, I cannot completely grasp why random words conjure up sadness with such forceful power.

Yesterday, as I was watching a movie, the word laughter was mentioned by one of the characters on the screen.  It had such little significance in the overall story line.  It was not something that was supposed to stand out.  It was just a word slipping through the lips of some unknown person, which had no relevance on my life.  But in that moment, the very second that the word floated into air, it was as if a freight train came charging through my mind, zipping down multiple tracks, picking up images of Mama laughing.  It left me winded, confused, overwhelmed and crying.

I get how the word connected to the images creates a reaction.  I just can’t fathom how the brain just plucks instances out of nowhere and decides it’s time to release a bit of emotion.  It was such a dormant moment in time.  Maybe that’s why.  Possibly, when the body is at complete relaxation and rest, it allows the subconscious to grasp onto anything it wants to and the imagination to conjure up that which is floating just below the surface of consciousness.

Whatever it may be, I embrace it.  It allowed me a moment in time to imagine sweet snapshots of Mama….and that is always a welcome invitation.

Silly Giggles

Fushia Flower

I woke up this morning to one of the best memories!!  Mom was very ticklish, particularly so in one area, her neck.  All you really had to do was suggest you might tickle her there and she would go into a frenzied state.  It was the funniest thing.  You never even had to touch her skin for her to go crazy.  By just placing your fingers close to her neck, she would start flailing her arms and laughing.  Her whole body would shake in hysterics and she’d beg for you to stop.  Memories like these still bring tears to my eyes, but deep down inside there is most definitely a softness in my heart and a giggle in my soul.