Although I try not to allow my conscience to acknowledge milestones in recognition of Mom’s death, it is a lost cause, destined to be as if on some pre-programmed DVR. So as the 21st rolls around once more, I again lie in sleeplessness pondering my expressions of love towards Mom and wondering if I will ever find peace of mind as I muddle my way through fields of doubt. I imagine if thoughts had weight, that this one notion of doubt would require a new measurement, aptly called rue. So in order to tip the scale in the direction of confidence and trust in a belief that I loved and expressed all that I was capable of towards Mom at each given moment in my life, I’ve decided to play a mind game with myself. I’m going to imagine a scale in front of me. On one side of the scale in big, bold, black letters rests the word uncertainty. On the opposite side, as memories wash over me, reflecting joy and cherished moments, I will mentally place a pebble on the opposite scale. I know for a fact that I will ultimately tip that scale. I don’t know how long it will take to finally find my balance, but I know that it will happen one of these days. I will then sit in complete acceptance and ultimate bliss that I’ve filled my mind and heart full to the brim with complete acceptance, leaving absolutely no space for doubt.